I'm Back! Again!

Hi my friends, I hope all is well and you have had goodness abound in your lives since my last post... almost an entire year ago! Sheesh! What the heck? Well I've been thinking about it - my nantanaran hiatus - as I took mental steps toward reestablishing, reconnecting, plugging back in.

So, it turns out that when having a baby the first few months are actually the easiest - and yeah, I had a really complicated delivery followed by other relatively minor but ongoing complications with my sweet boy. Regardless of how most little people begin they just get busier and busier as the days go by... and thankfully so! With less and less time for the occasional post here or any of the other little things I wished to do to hang on to "me time" (like keep my eyes open long enough after his bedtime to read a book, paint or catch up with girlfriends) I was, and am always aware that the busyness is good. My boy is curious, investigative, smart, brave and active. For that I am grateful.

That being said, I have been very busy, followed by very tired, coupled with an underlying awareness that I have been pretending and by doing so undermining my own creative efforts and our relationship, the one between you and me, my dear friend and reader. Pretending how? Well, in the same way I do, often, to keep the peace and save face.

When I was a kid I spent some time with the family of a dear auntie of mine. While there I was inadvertently videotaped goofing around in the midst of some kind of family get together. When we sat around to watch the tape later in the week I was somewhat embarrassed by my antics but for some reason completely stunned and mortified by the way I could see people react to me. According to my young and sensitive eye my little silly self was met with distaste.

As a conscious, evolving and self-analyzing adult I can now see that my view was lopsided and really I’d just love to go back and hug my wee self, tell me I am actually pretty cool and don’t need to worry about making up imaginary oppressive opinions to smack myself down with. BUT, the reality is that moment became a pivotal point in my understanding and realization of myself.

Don’t get me wrong folks. I am a strong person with a very individual and particular take on things. You know this if you know me well. My point is that from that day forward I spent much time and energy trying to maintain ‘face,’ trying to protect myself from the pain of judgment and rejection. I have tried too often to please others by in the very least, not offending them.

And this is where I swing this convoluted ramble back to its origin. Though the foundations of my efforts are honest they are almost always skewed by my now nearly subconscious acts of political correctness, my unrealistic and impossible desire to appease everyone, or at least offend no one. My busyness and tiredness coupled by my dishonesty led me to feel disillusioned about communicating with you. I was trying so hard to be polite, I was not being me. SO, my intention at this point is to offer you the most honest version of me I can. Plain and simple, though, for my mother’s sake, I will continue to make effort to curb my sailor’s tongue.

On that note, the picture above is a reflection of how I’m feeling this evening as I watch the election results roll in. But that, my friends, is a discussion for another day.

Much love to you:)